EXT. NORM'S BUS STOP, DAY
Open with a dance remix of 50 Cent's “In Da Club” playing on
the headphones being worn by NORM: Mid 20's, dressed in whatever he could find
hung over: brown hoodie, baggy cargo pants, sneakers, backpack and a ball cap
that says “FU” in letterman jacket letters.
Norm is asleep standing up, not leaning on anything with a
can of Rockstar in one hand and a burned out cigarette in the other. A
car HONKS as it drives by and Norm jerks awake.
NORM:
(at music)
Fuck!
Norm puts the cigarette in his mouth and reaches into his
hoodie pocket. In Da Club cuts off and Metallica's “Fade To Black” comes
on.
NORM:
Better.
Norm goes back to sleep. The bus pulls up a few moments
later, the door opens.
DRIVER:
Hey!
Norm wakes up, spits the cigarette out onto the road in front
of the bus and boards.
NORM:
Thanks, man.
He shows the driver his pass and collapses into the first
open seat, falling asleep again to Green Day's “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S BBQ AND SANDY'S DOG
GROOMING,
DAY
Norm is smoking a cigarette as he walks in. There's a
sign over the hostess station that identifies the restaurant, SNOTTY WAITRESS
#1 scowls at Norm as he walks in but doesn't interrupt her phone call.
Norm walks through the dining room into the
back, still smoking. SNOTTY WAITRESS #2 and SNOTTY WAITRESS #3 also scowl
at him as he walks down the long hallway that is the wait station until he
arrives at a door.
He opens the door to reveal DD and MIX,
twenty-somethings similarly dressed to Norm in the former store room they have
made their own. There are no greetings, but Norm
reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bottle of Smirnoff vodka that he
hands to DD.
DD:
(to bottle)
Good mornin'
Norm drops his backpack in the middle of the floor and opens
a locker to reveal a green three foot bong.
NORM:
This cash?
MIX:
Nope.
Norm bends over, isn't shown smoking from the
bong, but the SCRAPE of a lighter and BUBBLING WATER can be heard.
DD passes the bottle to Mix, who fills his half empty glass
of orange juice from it. More LIGHTER and BUBBLING noises from
Norm. Then he sits down on his double stack of milk crates taped together.
NORM:
See, that's much better. Gimme.
Mix passes him the vodka and Norm takes a pull from it.
NORM:
Better still. Might actually do some work today.
DD:
Likely story.
MIX:
I'm too fucking hungry to even think of giving food to these
jackasses.
NORM:
My bag. Go.
Mix gets off his milk crates and walks to where Norm dropped
his backpack.
NORM:
Not the Rockstars.
Mix finds a very large Snickers bar in the backpack among
several cans of Rockstar. He holds it aloft like a trophy.
MIX:
You're too good for my dumb ass.
NORM:
Don't fucking remind me. Give me the other one, and a
can.
Mix finds the other Snickers and tosses it to Norm, then does
the same with a can of Rockstar. Norm unwraps the Snickers and chomps it
into his mouth, as he's chewing he
pulls a large pocket knife from his front pocket and forcefully taps the top of
the can several times before cracking it. He drinks the thing
in five or six long swallows.
NORM:
Oh, it burns, it burns.
He chucks the empty can into a garbage can in the corner half
full of Rockstar, Mountain Dew and PBR cans. Then he gets up, takes off
his hoodie and leaves the room.
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S WAIT STATION, DAY
Norm washes his hands, puts on an apron and walks to the
window.
NORM:
Hey, Boyce.
On the other side of the window, on the line is a half
Japanese half Belgian man, BOYCE, drinking from a quart of Miller High
Life. He salutes with the bottle before putting it back on a shelf and
returning to his cooking.
BEGIN WORKING DAY MONTAGE
Norm looks at a ticket on a tray, then hefts the tray onto
one shoulder and walks out of the wait station, almost colliding with Snotty
Waitress #1.
SNOTTY WAITRESS #1:
Um, corner!
Norm ignores her, walks to a table of three and sets the
entire tray down, then walks away without acknowledging the customers. Mix
walks up behind him and puts a caddy with several bottles of sauce on the table
also with no acknowledgment. Two of the customers look confused, but the third
just reaches for a plate.
DD takes a bus tub to a table and sweeps the
plates and silverware into it with no heed of the noise it makes. A few
lunchers flinch at the sound. He's more careful with the glassware.
Mix walks toward the kitchen.
CUSTOMER #1:
Excuse me, the brisket.
Mix doesn't acknowledge the customer.
CUSTOMER #1:
(continuing)
Does that come with, um, excuse me?
Mix walks up to Snotty Waitress #2, who is chatting with
Snotty Waitress #1 and grabs her by the arm.
SNOTTY WAITRESS #2:
Um, what are you doing?
SNOTTY WAITRESS #1:
Let go of her!
Mix ignores them and drags Snotty Waitress #2 to the customer.
MIX:
He has a question.
Mix walks away.
In the wait station Norm and Mix are waiting for a big order
to finish being laid
on trays when Snotty Waitress #1 storms in.
SNOTTY WAITRESS #1:
Seven had dog hair in their food!
MIX:
(sighs)
Not again!
NORM:
Fuck this. I need another hit.
They walk into their room, failing to close the door all the
way.
In the lounge, the BARTENDER is serving a few early
starters. DD walks
behind the bar and pours himself a very stiff Captain and Coke in a pint glass.
BARTENDER:
Hey, Wagon.
DD waves as he takes a drink from his glass. He cleans
up after himself before he leaves.
CUSTOMER #2:
Why did you want to come here? The service is horrible,
everyone who works here is either retarded or visibly drunk!
CUSTOMER #3:
Just wait, at the first taste you'll understand.
END WORKING DAY MONTAGE
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S WAIT STATION, DAY
DD walks in with his glass, heading towards the room. Boyce is busy working.
DD:
Another satisfied customer, Frogman.
BOYCE:
(in accentless American)
I'm not French, asshole.
UNCLE
CHUCK, a strung out gaunt man in his 60's wearing a cheap suit is
kind of listening to Snotty Waitress #1 talking about the dog hair. He
sees DD.
UNCLE CHUCK:
Hey, Dog! What's up?
Snotty Waitress #1 throws her hands up in the air and growls
before walking into the kitchen.
DD:
Hey! Chuck!
DD and Uncle Chuck slap hands and tap fists.
DD:
Was just about to step into the office, c'mon in.
UNCLE CHUCK:
Don't mind if I do.
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S STORE ROOM, DAY
DD:
(exhaling smoke)
Night boys here yet?
NORM:
I think so.
MIX:
We shouldn't leave until they are.
UNCLE CHUCK:
I appreciate that professionalism in my staff.
Someone POUNDS on the door.
RELIEF (O.S.):
You assholes gonna share?
MIX:
Off the clock.
DD:
Another day, another dime bag.
NORM:
You gonna sit on that motherfucker all damn day?
UNCLE CHUCK:
If you think about it, I really bought this weed, so...
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S WAIT STATION, NIGHT
The trio comes out of the store room. They've ditched
their aprons for hoodies, jackets and backpacks. They each grab a plate from
the window as they leave out the back door.
EXT. STREET, NIGHT, CONTINUOUS
DD and Norm trade as they walk down an alley onto the street
and they all start eating. They're in a residential area, it's pretty
quiet as the sun goes down. When they finish their dinners, the plates
are tossed into bushes or someone's lawn. Norm and Mix produce cell
phones and start calling people while they pass around the last of the vodka
and a pipe. When the bottle is empty it also gets ditched.
DD:
Wasn't Jakey having a party?
NORM:
That was Friday.
DD:
Oh. Uh, what day is it?
Pause.
NORM:
Tuesday.
MIX:
(into cell phone)
Hey, dude, what's up, anything going down tonight?
Yeah. Yeah. Where? Who's it? Uh huh. Cool, we're there. Yeah,
we'll be there whenever.
Mix snaps his cell phone shut.
MIX:
Got it.
DD:
Let the pretty boys tremble, for we are en route. Where is
this fucker?
MIX:
In Roseway.
NORM:
That's a long walk to inflict on an old man.
MIX:
Oh, fuck you. You're twenty five.
DD:
Newly twenty five at that.
NORM:
It's a turning point. Spine, joints, demographics.
DD:
(exhaling smoke)
What?
NORM:
Dem. O. Graph. Ics.
DD:
Eat me.
NORM:
I'm officially middle aged now. Hafta start checking
the 25-34 box.
MIX:
What the shit are talking about, man?
NORM:
I'm completely out of MTV's target audience.
DD:
Dude, you fucking watch MTV?
MIX:
When he's too drunk to change the channel.
DD:
Fuck, I'm never too drunk to put something else on.
NORM:
Like it or not, believe it or not, MTV is the cultural center
of our generation. And they're not talking to me, they've moved on.
DD:
You're like millionaire's first wife, dude.
MIX:
Without even alimony, SB, you got fucked hard.
DD:
If you ask me, man, you're better off.
NORM:
Easy for you to say, you've got a few years left in that
magic demographic.
DD:
The only magic I need is in my pants.
MIX:
Shit yourself again?
DD:
Fuck. You.
NORM:
Look, it's not, like, crushing me, but it's a turning point.
And it's not a good one.
DD:
There are no good turning points between legal drinking age
and Social Security.
MIX:
Social security, you're funny dude. Look, so you fall behind
on shitty gangster rap and shittier pop-punk bands, so what?
DD:
Well, there are the pop tarts.
MIX:
That's what the web's for.
NORM:
I know it's all hip and anti-establishment to bash MTV and
radio and shit, but that's where it's at. That's what it is. I mean, indie's a
fucking joke.
DD:
Did you just fucking call us indie, bitch?
NORM:
No one really cares about, like Sufjan Stevens or Iron and
Wine.
Mix flips Norm off.
NORM:
(continuing)
and shit like The Arcade Fire and The Decembrists is just the
next big thing that hasn't sold out yet. Like grunge.
DD:
You can remember grunge?
NORM:
Not the point. Point is, MTV is where the energy is,
and they don't care about me any more. It sucks.
Pause.
NORM:
Dude, how much farther do we hafta walk?
MIX:
Uh, another hour or so?
DD:
Fuck that, who's got their big pants on?
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE, NIGHT
Cut to Mix leaving a convenience store, pulling
forty ounce
bottles from his clothes and handing them about.
INT. SOMEONE'S HOUSE, NIGHT
Mix, Norm and DD enter a living room crowded with kids in
their
late teens, a few early twenties. There's pop punk music playing. DD nudges
Norm upon
hearing this.
MIX:
Look at all of this young desirable snatch.
NORM:
It's like a bakery, fresh pie everywhere.
DD:
Focus, people! Booze will always allow itself to be
drunk, weed to be smoked and food to be eaten. Young girls from good families
are not reliable about being violated.
NORM:
I dunno, I'm feeling violate, uh, violable?
Violatingly?
Vio-
MIX:
(interrupting)
That one seems likely.
NORM:
Except for her nose.
MIX:
What's wrong with her nose?
NORM:
She's got an absorbed twin sticking out of her face.
MIX:
Oh, I forgot you're a connoisseur of fine poon. What about
last month?
NORM:
You don't ride a moped away from a party!
DD grabs Mix and Norm.
DD:
Food, booze, weed. Fall back to this position in ten minutes.
Go!
Quick montage of the trio wandering through the
party. Mix openly leers at women, Norm just smiles at the ones who maintain eye
contact. DD barely pays attention. None of them notice the glances they get.
The song has changed when they are all in front of the door again.
DD:
No joy on the important bits but I found whozit.
MIX:
What?
NORM:
Beer.
Norm's pockets are bulging with cans of beer, he hands out
two each to Mix and DD.
DD:
That guy who invited us. What's his name?
MIX:
Bryan.
NORM:
I found the beer.
MIX:
Good for you.
NORM:
That was a hint.
Everyone cracks a beer and toasts.
ALL:
Hot bitches.
They chug their first can and put the empties on
a nearby table. Norm passes out replacements.
MIX:
I smelled weed in the backyard, there's stairs leading to a
basement or something.
NORM:
No food?
DD:
I think there's some in the kitchen, but it was full of
people.
MIX:
Shocking. Food later, I think, then. Weed now?
DD:
Did it smell good?
MIX:
(waggles hand)
Eh.
NORM:
C'mon, we can supplement whatever they got.
DD:
You wanna share?
NORM:
Why not? Let's be good guests.
Norm finishes his second beer and tosses the can at the
table, missing.
NORM:
C'mon, fuckers. Let's be sociable n' shit.
INT. SOMEONE'S BASEMENT, NIGHT
The trio enters the basement where a circle of partygoers are
passing a pipe around.
MIX:
Greetings, friends.
DD:
We come smokum peace pipe.
They shoulder their way into the circle. Mix takes the pipe
from a surprised partygoer and lights it. Great surprise is expressed at both
the size of his hit and how long he holds it in. It's three kids down before he
finally exhales. DD is the next of the trio to smoke from it, but he doesn't
hold his hit as long.
DD:
All the way from Mexico, I'm impressed.
DD skips several partygoers to hand it straight to Norm, who
knocks the pipe empty.
PROTESTING PARTYGOER:
What the fuck?
NORM:
Easy, kid, I'm going to show you something.
Norm loads the pipe from a baggy and passes it to the
protester.
NORM:
Try that, scout. Small hit, baby.
The protesting partygoer lights the pipe and
takes a puff. He clearly has trouble not coughing it out. Norm takes the
pipe and hands it off to the person next in the circle after DD.
NORM:
Take note, this brown shit you've been smoking, my pubes will
get you higher.
As he speaks one of the circle starts coughing
uncontrollably from the pot.
NORM:
(continuing)
This is about the worst stuff I'm willing to smoke.
He gets the pipe and smokes.
Time passes.
HUNGRY PARTYGOER:
I'm fucking hungry.
DD:
No shit. Some a y'all go grab some chow for the community.
LAZY PARTYGOER:
Are we your bitches?
MIX:
Whose pot are you smoking there, shmuck?
LAZY PARTYGOER:
(points at Norm)
His.
NORM:
It's all about the community, man. We all chipped in on
this bag that we've been graciously sharing, so some of you all can make a food
run. I hope they got li'l smokies, I love those things.
HUNGRY PARTYGOER:
(laughing)
Man, this ain't catered!
CURIOUS PARTYGOER:
Who invited you guys, anyway? Not that I have a problem
with you being here, just curious.
MIX:
Gentlemen of the world know they're always welcome.
CURIOUS PARTYGOER:
So you crashed?
MIX:
Nah, we know someone up there.
DD:
How do we know that cat?
NORM:
Fuck if I know, who's stalling here?
LAZY PARTYGOER:
Oh, sorry.
(passes the pipe)
Okay, I'll get some food.
NORM:
And bring down some beer, I'm out.
DD:
You need bigger pants.
NORM:
You need a bigger mouth so you don't choke on my cock so much.
The person smoking sputters and chokes on this
comment.
MIX:
Hey, hey, don't waste that!
COUGHING PARTYGOER:
Oh, fuck. I'm way too high. I need some whiskey. Maker's
anyone?
MIX:
I'm always down for that. Lead the way.
Coughing Partygoer, Mix and another person leave the circle.
The pipe makes another circuit.
DD:
Shit, did he say Maker's?
The pipe reaches DD.
DD:
Oh well, he's a big boy.
INT. SOMEONE'S KITCHEN, NIGHT
Mix is drinking with the other two from the pot circle below.
His eyes have taken on a manic sheen and he's smiling a lot. Norm or DD would
know
this is not a happy state for Mix, but everyone else just thinks he's having a
good time.
MIX:
Oh, Maker's. Why can't a woman ever fulfill me the way you
do. Hey, more here.
Mix holds out his glass for more. Nearby, ANDREA and
MOLLY are observing him.
ANDREA:
Looks like a likely candidate.
MOLLY:
I'm not sure we should pull one of
Adam's friends.
ANDREA:
He's not a friend of Adam's.
MOLLY:
What makes you say that?
ANDREA:
He's not wearing a stitch of Abercrombie.
MOLLY:
Oh, yeah.
ANDREA:
Oop, look coy.
Molly and Andrea find something else to draw their attention
as Mix looks about, he glances at the two girls, but doesn't appear to pay any
attention to them. Mix drains another
large shot of Maker's and goes back to the bottle.
MOLLY:
I'm not sure he's going to get the coy thing.
ANDREA:
Most men don't. The direct route, then.
MOLLY:
That's what we're here for.
Andrea and Molly casually drift towards Mix,
their stealth is lost on him swilling yet another whiskey. Coughing Partygoer
is
starting to frown at Mix's Maker's consumption.
COUGHING PARTYGOER:
I, uh.
Coughing Partygoer grabs his cell phone from his
pocket and puts it to his ear.
COUGHING PARTYGOER:
(into phone)
Hey, what's up? Yeah, kitchen. Be right there.
(to Mix)
Gotta go.
He leaves, taking the whiskey bottle with him.
MIX:
Well, shit.
Mix puts his glass on the counter and gets a beer
from a pocket.
ANDREA:
Hi.
Mix cracks his beer and puts it to his lips, a few seconds
passing between Andrea's greeting and the realization that she's talking to him.
MIX:
Oh, hi. Sorry, uh, I was attending to business.
Molly laughs at this. Andrea just smiles.
MIX:
I'm Mick.
ANDREA:
Hi, I'm Andrea.
MOLLY:
Molly.
MIX:
Very nice to meet both of you. Oh, you don't have a
drink.
He pulls another beer out, Molly reaches for it,
but Mix takes a moment to tap the top of the can and open it, a little foam
sloshes into the sink.
MIX:
There you go.
MOLLY:
Thank you.
ANDREA:
What a gentleman.
MOLLY:
I know.
Mix tips his beer back. Molly gives Andrea a
questioning look, Andrea replies with a small nod.
MOLLY:
How do you know Adam?
MIX:
Friend of the family. Our dads went to high school together,
or some shit. You two?
ANDREA:
Oh, high school. We graduated last year.
MIX:
All of you?
MOLLY:
Most of the people here, actually.
MIX:
And what have you been doing with yourselves since graduation?
MOLLY:
We're strippers.
Mix freezes with his beer halfway to his mouth.
MIX:
Really?
ANDREA:
Really, we work at Safari. Heard of it?
MIX:
Ah, yeah, I have.
ANDREA:
Ever been there?
MIX:
Oh, not in a long time. Well, I must say I can't think of a better use for such beauty.
MOLLY:
Really?
MIX:
Well, maybe one, or two things.
EXT. SOMEONE'S BACK YARD, NIGHT
DD is eying a gaggle of girls standing under a tree in the
backyard hiding from the rain that has just started to fall. Some of them are
eying him back. Norm walks up to him.
NORM:
I think we might be wearing out our welcome. Bryan didn't
tell the host we were coming. And we don't exactly fit in with the J Crew cult.
DD:
Are we going to have to kill our way out?
NORM:
If we're lucky. Where's Mix?
DD:
Somewhere not fucking up his homie's flow.
NORM:
Oh, fucking excuse me, Casa fucking nova. I can't see your
tiny
little flow, should a wore tighter pants.
DD:
Eat me. Holler if you get jumped.
DD walks toward the tree. The girls see him
coming, some bolt, some don't. Norm watches for a second, pats his cargo
pockets to inventory his beer stash, then follows DD in.
INT. SOMEONE'S HOUSE, NIGHT
MIX:
Ooh, I'm out.
Mix tosses his empty beer can over his shoulder,
it hits a girl in the back. Her boyfriend starts mean mugging Mix, Mix doesn't
notice.
MIX:
I'm going to restock. Would either of you like some?
MOLLY:
Sure.
Mix smiles and walks away.
ANDREA:
Okay, I'm not so sure anymore.
MOLLY:
Andrea! He was your idea, and you know the kind of guys we
end up dating when we don't do this.
ANDREA:
Not the plan, the plan is good. But I'm not so sure about him.
MOLLY:
I kind of like him. He's entertaining. A bit of a dick,
but ineffectual. Definitely won't be hard to kick out of bed tomorrow.
ANDREA:
And he's so drunk he probably won't be able to find his way
back.
MOLLY:
Bonus. I say we do it.
ANDREA:
Oh.
(pauses, thinking)
Okay. But let's go now, before I have time to think about it.
They wait for a moment. Andrea spots a guy
across the room.
ANDREA:
Ooh, look at him.
MOLLY:
He's wearing a visor. Besides, I think-
Mix returns, carrying several beers.
MOLLY:
(continuing)
Hi.
MIX:
The hunt was successful.
Mix offers a beer to each of them.
MOLLY:
Actually, we decided we're going to take you home now.
MIX:
Oh.
(pause)
Well.
(waiting for them to start laughing.)
I won't put up a fuss. But since I already have these.
Mix puts the beers in his pockets.
ANDREA:
Let's go. You're driving. I want to get started.
MIX:
Please be gentle.
ANDREA:
Not a chance.
EXT. SOMEONE'S BACK YARD, NIGHT
DD is standing under the porch, it's raining
heavily now and everyone has left the tree. DD is getting along famously with
three girls who might be
just barely eighteen, but probably aren't. Particularly a dusky hued girl
with thick black hair. Norm returns with several beers in his arms, his
pockets bulging.
NORM:
Here we go, all. Drink up, it does go bad eventually.
Hey, dude.
Norm leans close to DD while handing him a beer.
NORM:
I just saw Mix heading out with two chicks.
DD:
Did they have badges?
NORM:
What?
DD:
Badges, cops. I was asking if Mix had been arrested.
DD shakes his head and starts to open his beer,
then stops.
DD:
Oh, dude.
NORM:
Hey, if you'd been funny, I would have gotten it, but-
DD:
No, not that. Mix. That could be bad.
NORM:
How? How could that possibly bad. Except he didn't get us any
pussy?
DD:
Well, he, uh, someone said something about Maker's.
NORM:
Oh, fuck.
Norm and DD crack beers and toast.
DD:
To Sour Mix, dumb ass.
NORM:
Help him out, God, he'll need it.
INT. ANDREA'S SUV, NIGHT
Andrea and Mix are topless, she's on top of him in the back.
ANDREA:
He passed out! What the fuck!
MOLLY:
Are you shitting me?
Molly takes a quick look back from the driver's
seat.
ANDREA:
He tasted pretty boozy, but Jesus. No one's ever passed out
on me before.
MOLLY:
He does smell like really good pot.
ANDREA:
Maybe he took something else, too.
Andrea slips back into her shirt and wriggles
into the front seat.
MOLLY:
Should we dump him?
ANDREA:
Well, he was pretty good while he was awake.
MOLLY:
Guess we could break into what's left of that eight ball we
got from Jackie to wake him up. It's not like there's anywhere else we can go
and it's
been a few weeks.
Andrea rubs Molly's neck as she drives.
ANDREA:
I know how you feel. We should think about those IDs Dmitri
said he could get us.
Mix moans in the back seat. Andrea and Molly
giggle at him. Then Mix sits up and pulls the emergency break. The SUV
screeches and Molly loses control on the rainy streets. The SUV spins through a
180 then comes to a halt, rocking side to side heavily. A few other cars honk
as they swerve around the backward facing SUV.
Andrea and Molly are in shock for a second, then they hear
Mix chuckling in the back seat. They look at each other for a beat.
EXT. STREET, NIGHT, CONTINUOUS
MOLLY (O.S.):
Stupid motherfucker!
ANDREA (O.S.):
Asshole almost killed us!
Molly and Andrea leap out of the SUV, open the
rear doors and
crawl in, still screaming and cursing at Mix. Andrea comes out of the SUV,
dragging a sluggish Mix by his neck. Molly is pushing him from the other side.
He falls into the street and takes a kick to the chest from Andrea. Molly drops
his stuff on him, then gets back into the driver's seat. When Andrea
is in the front passenger seat the SUV backs into a nearby driveway, then
drives
away.
Mix is woken by the rain, quickly realizing he's laying in
the street against the curb half naked. He gets his stuff and stumbles to
the
sidewalk before vomiting. He dresses, then sits on the curb, pulling his
hood up
to keep the rain off. He pulls a beer from a pocket and cracks it,
letting the foam splash out away from him.
MIX:
What a couple of bitches.
He chugs half the beer, pukes again a little bit
and finishes it.
MIX:
Probably just cock teases. Planned this the whole night.
He finds some cigarettes and lights one, then
calls Norm.
Norm and DD have left the party and are walking down their
own rainy street.
NORM:
Finished already?
DD:
I knew he couldn't keep it up. Never can with me.
MIX:
Ah, I just felt like bailing. They were almost out of beer.
Norm makes a disbelieving face. His backpack has about a half
rack they left the party with. DD's is similarly loaded and each of them are
drinking another.
NORM:
Yeah, sure. We're headed back to your place.
MIX:
Cool, I'll meet you there.
NORM:
Yeah. Out.
Norm ends the call and puts his phone away.
DD:
What did he say?
NORM:
Nothing, really. Didn't say anything about the
hootchies.
DD:
Huh. Weird. They ditch him?
NORM:
Probably. It was too good to be true.
DD:
Yeah, no shit.
They walk and drink for a few moments.
DD:
I got a phone number. That brunette with the braids.
NORM:
No way that chick's legal.
DD:
What?
NORM:
Did you see that crowd? Maybe half of them were still in
school.
DD:
(with a sigh)
Way too good to be true.
DD chucks his empty beer can into a patch of trees on the
roadside and they continue walking in silence.
INT. MIX'S BEDROOM, DAY
Mix is laying on his bed. He's still dressed and the hangover
is in full effect.
MIX:
I crave the sweet release of death!
DD is rifling through Mix's coat. He's watching Mix, but Mix
has his arm thrown across his eyes and a mind for nothing beyond his pain.
DD comes up with Mix's cell and sneaks out of Mix's bedroom.
INT. MIX & DD'S LIVING ROOM, DAY,
CONTINUOUS
DD is entering a phone number into Mix's cell from a scrap of
paper. DD listens to it ringing.
DD:
Oh, fuck. I knew I should have had a drink first.
TARA:
Hello?
DD:
Hi, is Emily there?
TARA:
No, she's not. Is, is this DD?
DD hesitates nervously before answering.
DD:
Yes.
TARA:
My sister's only sixteen-
DD:
Damn! I knew it was too good to be true.
Tara has aborted her tirade, listening to DD.
DD:
Look, I wasn't sure, I thought she was, y'know, old enough.
Since, it was a party, oh, never mind. You're going to yell at me now, right?
TARA:
I was. But, you really thought she was older?
DD:
Yeah. Well, I guess I more hoped she was. Did, did she tell
you about me?
TARA:
Yeah.
DD:
So she could get you to blow me, off, right?
TARA:
No, not like that. She was glad to meet you, she's just,
well, she's a bit of a bad girl.
DD:
And if only she was legal. Whatever, thanks for not yelling
at me, I won't call your sister again.
DD ends the call and draws back to chuck the phone before
realizing it's Mix's. A toilet FLUSHES. DD flops onto a
couch. Norm exits the bathroom.
NORM:
Shitty, dude.
DD:
Par for the course.
NORM:
Yeah. Talk to her sister?
DD:
Yeah. Nice enough not to chew me out, or call the cops.
NORM:
Shoulda called the cops, if there ever was a sexual predator
it's you.
DD:
Yeah, suburbanite moms hate me.
NORM:
And they are right to do so.
Norm walks to the TV and starts fiddling with the Playstation.
NORM:
You gonna sneak Mix's phone back?
DD:
Oh. Yeah.
DD goes into Mix's bedroom. Norm loads a game and sits on the
couch. He picks up a controller. DD enters, looks at the game and enters
the kitchen.
DD:
It's all about makin' that GTA.
NORM:
I'm going to get this motherfucker to the hospital.
DD:
It's so cute you do missions. I just kill hookers and
old ladies.
NORM:
I like hookers and old ladies.
INT. MIX & DD'S KITCHEN, DAY, CONTINUOUS
DD gets a glass and two packages of Alka Seltzer. While the
fizzing is going he gets a loaf of artisan bread and cuts off a chunk. He
butters it and waits for the fizzing to stop.
DD:
I wonder if Mix puked last night.
NORM:
He had some on his pants.
DD:
Okay, he should be up in an hour or so then.
NORM:
Fuck, do we have to work today?
DD:
Yeah, dinner.
NORM:
I say we dose the brunette with something.
They watch Norm play Grand Theft Auto for a bit. He's trying
to drive an ambulance that gets shot and catches on fire. Just before his
character takes a diving roll out of the vehicle, Mix appears.
MIX:
Morning bowl.
DD:
Drink this.
MIX:
Morning. Bowl.
DD:
I'll load one, just drink this.
Mix takes the glass of Alka Seltzer from DD.
DD:
What would we dose her with? I don't want to give up
something good for comedy. Or do you think you can get her fucked up enough to
blow us all?
NORM:
Shit, you fucked her.
DD:
That was timing. She was already stewed the gills and
X'd halfway to the sun, I didn't give her anything.
MIX:
Is that Sara?
DD:
Madison.
NORM:
I thought Madison had the streaky- fuck!
Norm's ambulance has blown up again.
NORM:
(continuing)
The streaky hair.
DD:
She did, she dyed it black again.
MIX:
Morning bowl.
DD:
Oh, yeah, sorry.
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S DINING ROOM, NIGHT
There are only a few tables occupied. Norm and Mix are sitting at a table with drinks, passing a handheld game console back and forth. Snotty Waitress #2 is on a cell phone in one corner. DD comes out of the back dressed for the street.
DD:
I'm cutting myself. And I figured out the liquor storage
combination, ask me tomorrow.
Mix and Norm look up as he exits the restaurant.
NORM:
What the fuck?
INT. MATADOR, NIGHT
DD is sitting in a dive bar with GEORGE and THOM, some of his
secondary buddies. A third one, MAX is in the back on a pool table.
GEORGE:
No, I'm fuckin' tellin' ya, no way the Defiant could take out
the Enterprise-E.
THOM:
After the upgrades in (DS9 fighty episode)? With a cloaking
device?
GEORGE:
You can't use the cloak and fire-
DD:
Really! You're getting geek in my beer! Plus, this
conversation is an enormously effective pussy deterrent.
THOM:
Ladies man that you are.
DD:
And the last time you got laid was?
THOM:
I'm married.
DD:
Exactly my point! Why buy the cow when roofies are so cheap?
GEORGE:
What?
THOM:
That makes no sense whatsoever.
MAX:
Settle up, girls. Potty has some Red Rock.
INT. MIX'S BEDROOM, NIGHT
Mix is fast asleep when DD bursts into his room.
DD:
Dude! Dude!
MIX:
Augh! What the fuck?
DD collapses on the edge of the bed.
DD:
I found it. I found it.
MIX:
(sniffs)
Is that opium? Why didn't you call me?
DD:
Don't have a cell. Dude, I found us a house.
MIX:
We want a house?
DD:
It's, like, abandoned, and shit. It's perfect.
MIX:
Uh huh. Go to bed. Wake me up again I'll rape you to death.
DD:
Dude, c'mon, we gotta pack!
Mix lays down, covers himself again.
MIX:
If you're still here, or making any noise, in a minute, I'm
getting the stun gun.
DD:
No no no no no! I found it! It's there!
DD paws at Mix's covers.
DD:
(continuing)
I'll show you, get up.
MIX:
Stun gun, I fucking swear.
Mix pushes DD with his foot. DD collapses onto the floor.
MIX:
Opium, motherfucker scores opium and doesn't even try to call
me. I might stun gun you anyway.
Mix settles into sleep, DD mutters quietly until he passes
out.
INT. MIX & DD'S LIVING ROOM, DAY
Mix and DD are eating French toast, watching a cartoon
lesbian porn video. Mix laughs occasionally.
DD:
I saw it.
MIX:
Uh huh.
DD:
A house. The lights were on, door wide open.
MIX:
Uh huh. You said this has tentacles, I've never
actually seen tentacle hentai.
DD:
Not in a lesbian scene. I fucking saw it!
MIX:
Fine, you saw it. Where is it?
DD:
I can't remember! I told you we should have gone.
MIX:
It was four in the morning. How the fuck were we gonna get to
somewhere you don't remember at four in the morning?
DD:
I remembered then.
MIX:
Eat your French toast. And skip to the tentacle scene, this
shit is ridiculous. Dudes jerk off to this shit?
DD:
Fifth Amendment says I don't have to answer that.
INT. PADDY'S, DAY
Mix and DD are sitting at a long bar with beers in front of
them. Mix is looking over a newspaper. Bartender JOE is reading a trade
magazine not far away. Halfway down the bar is an attractive woman, SHARON (aka
"Red Baron") DD and Mix keep stealing glances at.
DD:
No science fiction.
MIX:
Norm'll have something to say about that.
DD:
Only until I start fucking his face.
NORM:
You're the one with bee jay debts. Mirror Pond,
Joe. Thanks. Why the fuck are we inside?
DD:
It's a little cold out there.
NORM:
Pussy. C'mon, my lungs are feeling too pink.
We'll be outside, Joe.
EXT. PADDY'S, DAY
They're sitting around a sidewalk table. Norm
lights a cigarette.
NORM:
See, now that's much better.
MIX:
Okay, since we're all assembled, I think Brian is a mite
pissed at us.
DD:
We didn't start any fights. Or break anything.
MIX:
Shockingly enough, some people have a tighter standard for
party fouls.
NORM:
Fucking suburbanites, why do we bother going to suburbanite
parties?
MIX:
That party was well inside city limits, and because
suburbanite chicks are attracted to reckless city guys like ourselves.
NORM:
Some of them are. For a few minutes.
DD laughs, Mix frowns at them.
MIX:
Huh?
Norm and DD laugh, realizing Mix completely blacked out the
Andrea and Molly experience.
NORM:
Never mind. Brian's pissed?
MIX:
He'll get over it. I think if the host had got some of our
weed it would have been easier. I guess I hit some bitch with a beer can
and her boyfriend is snatchy about it.
DD:
It happens. Y'know, I don't wanna see a movie any more.
DD tosses the paper onto the table and drains his beer.
Norm and Mix glance at each other for a second.
NORM:
You go to underage parties, you meet underage girls.
DD:
I know. It's just that we seemed to hit it off so good. And
did you see her? Man, I haven't fucked a chick with nice tits in years.
NORM:
She did have some nice titties.
MIX:
Coulda been the bra, there's some incredible engineering out
there.
NORM:
No, man. She was wearing this little lacy thing and her
sweater was so low cut you could, oh.
DD:
Yeah, I noticed.
MIX:
Hey, Nancy!
Waitress NANCY walks up.
NANCY:
What's up?
MIX:
Girl problems.
NANCY:
Jagers?
NORM:
Why won't you come work for Uncle Chuck?
NANCY:
Because you guys are probably terrible bussers. Three Jagers
coming up.
DD:
Way too good for the Chuck. Besides he has a thing for
preppy girls.
MIX:
Yeah, Nancy's a bit too outdoorsy for him.
NORM:
Can you imagine Madison or Sara hiking?
MIX:
Only if one of their johns wanted to do it outside. Bitches'd
probably charge extra.
DD:
Speaking of the wilds.
MIX:
Oh, shit.
DD:
I found an abandoned house last night, that still had power.
NORM:
Really?
MIX:
Except he can't remember where it was, or anything about it.
DD:
I was hanging out at the Matador and Max said he knew a guy
with a bunch of opium.
NORM:
Did you buy any?
DD:
Ah, no.
NORM:
For shame.
MIX:
I wonder what the Red Baron's doing here? Doesn't seem like a
good time for targets.
DD:
I dunno.
Nancy arrives with Norm's beer and three shot glasses full to
the brim with Jagermeister.
NANCY:
Who's the Red Baron?
NORM:
Oh, that chick in there, in the sweater.
NANCY:
Sharon?
DD:
She doesn't look like a Sharon.
MIX:
No, she's more the evil bitch type.
KAREN:
What? Sharon's nice!
MIX:
Unless you're a dude.
NORM:
Yeah, she's pretty cold.
KAREN:
Red Baron, because she shoots guys down?
MIX:
She's fucking merciless. Unlike you, you're a fine
woman, Nancy.
NANCY:
Whatever. What have you three been up to?
NORM:
Attempted debauchery, public drunkenness.
NANCY:
Any new embarrassing stories?
NORM:
Nothing too interesting. DD hit on an underage chick last
night.
NANCY:
Dee!
DD moves to defend himself, but Norm cuts him off.
NORM:
She looked older. I swear. With beer goggles, totally
looked eighteen.
NANCY:
Yeah, right.
MIX:
They develop so fast these days. I swear when I was in
high school they didn't look like they do now.
NANCY:
Oh, no.
Nancy walks away in moderate disgust. The trio carefully
picks up their shot glasses.
ALL:
Self loathing.
They take the extra large shots and grimace to
varying degrees.
MIX:
What the fuck is wrong with German people?
DD:
I love that stuff.
NORM:
And it loves you, too.
EXT. NORM'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
They're passing around controllers for an X-Box 360, playing
a fighting game. Norm and DD are playing, Mix is watching with a bong in his
hand. Mix's cell phone rings.
MIX:
Hello?
TARA:
Uh, is DD there?
MIX:
Uh. Yeah. Hold on.
(presses the phone against the cushion)
Wagon, there's a chick on my phone asking for you?
NORM:
Is she calling from a daycare center?
DD:
Fuck you. For me?
MIX:
Asked for DD. Did you call your lolita from my phone?
DD pauses the game and stands.
DD:
Shit! Yeah. Her sister's going to kill me.
Mix hands his cell to DD.
DD:
Hello?
TARA:
Um, hi.
DD looks stricken. He goes onto Norm's balcony.
Tara is a little tipsy and there's a lot of BACKGROUND NOISE.
DD:
Hi.
TARA:
This is Tara.
DD:
Yeah, I, remember you. Uh, what's up?
TARA:
I just wanted to. Well, you seemed so nice about, you know. I
just. Wanted to. Call you.
DD:
Oh.
DD smacks himself, incensed that he couldn't think of a
better response.
DD:
Are you eighteen?
Tara laughs, DD almost collapses with relief.
TARA:
I'm twenty four, actually.
DD:
Okay, that's good to hear. But it's a better defense if I
meet you in a bar.
Tara laughs again.
TARA:
Fortuitously, I'm in a bar.
DD:
Which one?
TARA:
Biddy's.
DD makes a jubilant move.
DD:
Equally fortuitous, I'm at a friend's place not far away
from Biddy's.
TARA:
Oh, really? Well.
DD:
I'll be on my way. Uh, how will I recognize you?
TARA:
Well, I look a lot like my sister, and I'm in a black leather
jacket, I'm under a (sign) sign.
DD:
I'm, like, ten minutes out. I'll see you soon.
TARA:
Okay.
DD:
Okay. Uh, be right there.
DD ends the call and heads inside again. He tosses
Mix's cell to him.
MIX:
Are you going to need a lawyer?
DD:
Money, I need money. That was the sister.
Mix and Norm gape.
NORM:
No shit?
DD starts to empty his pockets onto the coffee table.
DD:
No shit. How much do I have how much do I have?
Mix starts rifling through his pockets and Mix leaps up,
entering his bedroom. He comes back a moment later with a Mason jar stuffed
with bills.
DD:
Dude, that's your 'shroom money.
MIX:
Take it, you're good for it. Go. Why are you still
fucking here?
DD grabs a fistful of bills and stuffs them into his pocket.
He puts on his jacket as he leaves.
EXT. BIDDY MCGRAW'S, NIGHT
DD stops jogging outside the bar. He tries to catch his
breath, coughing at the cold air in his lungs.
DD:
Okay, slow it down. Don't want to appear too eager. Ow.
DD rubs his side.
DD:
I hope she's not fat.
INT. BIDDY MCGRAW'S, NIGHT
DD enters the bar, still somewhat out of breath. His eyes
catch the (sign) and look under it. A slim woman in a classy leather jacket
with a remarkable resemblance to Emily is sitting under it, looking at
something on the table. DD makes a subdued fist pump in victory. He walks to
the table. Tara looks up from a menu when he's mostly there. She smiles.
TARA:
DD?
DD:
Tara?
TARA:
Wow, Emily was right, you are a hottie.
DD:
Whatever charms your family has, clearly there's insanity.
Tara laughs. DD sits down. Tara starts to look at him closely.
DD:
Do you want to see my teeth?
TARA:
What Nation are you?
DD:
Uh, what?
TARA:
You're Native, right?
DD:
Native? You mean to Portland, oh, that. Yeah, I'm Indian.
Tara bristles subtly at DD's use of "Indian".
DD:
(continuing)
But I don't know what tribe or anything. I'm adopted. And
since I don't think pre-Columbian America rocked too many carrot tops, there's
clearly something else in the woodpile, too.
Tara gives a tiny flinch when DD says "tribe",
but she shakes it off.
TARA:
And you've never tried to find out?
DD:
Well, my love for Bushmills suggests its Irish, but I can't
order that here. Biddy won't stock anything from Northern Ireland.
TARA:
I mean what nation.
DD:
Nation? Oh, yeah. No, I've never been curious about my
biologicals. So-
The arrival of a waiter interrupts DD, who automatically
produces his ID.
DD:
I'll take a Harp, thanks. So, you're, uh, Native?
TARA:
Yes. (Tribe) Nation, with a wee bit of French. You've
never wondered? At all?
DD:
No, not really. I used to be pretty pissed about being given
up, but I figured whatever, they had their reasons. I don't dwell on it.
TARA:
You should totally find out what Nation you are! It's
important to maintain our heritage.
DD:
I dunno. The past isn't too important to me, y'know. But
enough about me, let's talk about you.
He leers to accompany the cheesy line. Tara laughs.
TARA:
Okay, I'll let it go. For now.
Time passes with drinks being delivered and empty glasses
taken away.
TARA:
No no, I have to drive.
DD:
There are other options.
They're leaning close to each other now, their eyes locked.
DD:
I meant Meteor, of course. Those guys who come get you and -
TARA:
I've used them before. And that's disappointing if that's all
you were thinking of.
DD:
Well, you have a day job and all.
More eye locking.
TARA:
Yes. That's a good excuse. And, well, there's enough
potential drama already. I, I'll call you, though.
DD:
Actually I called you from a friend's cell, so I should
probably call you. I swear I will. And speaking of drama, I bet your sister can
be taught a mean right hook, for when we go on Jerry.
Tara laughs, a bit embarrassed.
TARA:
Oh, she'll be so pissed. But. It's worth it. So far.
Tara stands before DD can respond. DD stands with her.
DD:
The number you called from, that's you?
TARA:
My cell.
DD:
I'll call you.
TARA:
Okay.
DD:
I will.
TARA:
(smiles)
I said okay. Bye.
Tara leaves.
DD:
Holy shit, did that just happen?
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S STORE ROOM, DAY
The trio are in the store room, drinking PBRs. Mix is messing
with the bong.
NORM:
So ya didn't go for the quick fuck. Probably wise.
DD:
Dude, I'm still tripping on it. Baby girl's sister calls me.
MIX:
It's not enough for Jerry. You'll have to hook up with the
mom, too.
Norm hoists his PBR.
NORM:
Drinking Dog's on a roll, baby, he'll fuck every ho in that
house.
Can I have the sister? I'll take the risk of jail.
DD:
Fuck that, you'll hafta worry about the warpath.
NORM:
I ain't afraid of no archery.
Someone POUNDS on the door.
SNOTTY WAITRESS #2 (O.S.):
We do have customers out here!
MIX:
I can't get this carb clean.
DD:
We have time for some hot pipe action, that's only the third
time we've been ho knocked.
INT. UNCLE CHUCK'S DINING ROOM, DAY
Norm and Mix are bussing tables.
MIX:
Oh, fuck. Pretty boys.
NORM:
Damn, I just pissed.
A party of five enters, all stylish muscular spiky haired
guys. The Snotty Waitresses dash to the front to greet them.
MIX:
If the streaked one starts playing with his Palm, I'm gonna
put shit in his food.
NORM:
Good luck getting a chance.
MIX:
No shit.
DD walks up.
DD:
Pretty boys.
MIX:
Yeah. Does Boyce owe us a favor?
DD:
No, besides, he wouldn't even try. Nicole has him pretty well
in hand. Or in pussy, one should say.
NORM:
Even with the pretty boys around?
MIX:
Boyce does have that accent he can bust out.
NORM:
No way I'm bussing their table, the bitches can get it. I
feel the need for a drink.
Norm and Mix walk away, leaving their tables half
cleared. DD follows them after a moment.
EXT. STREET, NIGHT
Norm, DD and Mix are walking down the alley behind Uncle
Chuck's, eating one of their snatched dinners. DD finishes first, tossing
his plate into the street.
DD:
Can I borrow your phone, man?
MIX:
Tickle my balls on the way in.
DD reaches into Mix's front pocket, his hand lingering a
little longer than strictly necessary to grab a cell phone.
NORM:
Calling your Indian maid?
DD:
Max.
NORM:
Still on about the house?
DD:
It's real, I'm telling you.
MIX:
Fine. If it's real, how the hell are you going to be able to
find it? Didn't you tell us you were driving around in Max's van smoking the
opium?
NORM:
And have no idea where you got out?
Mix finishes his food and drops the plate on the
sidewalk.
DD:
I'll figure it out.
DD dials a number.
INT. MAX'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
Max's studio apartment is a well-lived in music lover's
space. The trio, Max and Thom are passing a bong and drinking from a case
of Coors.
MAX:
Fuck, man, I got no idea where we were. Somewhere,
like, um.
THOM:
It was on the west side.
MAX:
Right.
THOM:
In the hills?
MAX:
Could be.
DD:
Yeah, that sounds right.
MIX:
The west hills?
NORM:
A field in the west hills? Like Skyline?
MAX:
Not that far up. Like, around the Vista bridge.
Mix laughs harshly.
MIX:
An abandoned house. In the middle of the field. Near the
Vista bridge.
NORM:
You guys were in a van smoking opium in the West Hills??
THOM:
Not one of our brightest moments.
NORM:
No shit.
DD:
I don't remember being that way, I thought we were deeper
than that, the other side of the hills.
THOM:
We were around there, too. Potty was crashing at a pad
in (neighborhood), then we headed back to my place. You got out before
then, though.
DD:
I walked home. I remember that.
MIX:
So an abandoned house somewhere between the Vista bridge and
Lloyd Center. Sure. That could happen.
NORM:
And Snoop Dogg's coming by with some hoes for us. Pass
the bong.
DD hands the bong to Norm.
DD:
That's doable.
MIX:
Do whatable?
DD:
Searchable.
MIX:
Fuck that!
NORM:
Dude.
MIX:
I'm not chasing that goose, it's wild.
DD:
Fuck you! I saw this shit, I'm telling you!
MIX:
I've seen a lot of interesting shit when I'm fucked up and
none of it turned out to be real.
DD:
Have you ever hallucinated a house? I went inside it!
THOM:
Ay yi yi, the girls are so testy.
NORM:
Dudes, more pot, less anger.
MAX:
Definitely that time of the month.
DD:
Fine. Fuck you all, I'll find it myself and I'll, I'll,
charge fucking admission! Bastards.
EXT. DOWNTOWN, NIGHT
The trio are walking unsteadily away from a light rail
platform.
NORM:
What the fuck, I'll help you look.
DD:
(a little too emotionally)
Thanks, man. Thanks.
MIX:
Aw, now hold hands.
DD:
Fuck you.
MIX:
Wouldn't want you to cheat on SB. Where are we going,
Yamhill?
DD:
Not broke enough.
MIX:
Rialto?
NORM:
Too far.
The trio are standing in front of the door to
Paddy's.
INT. PADDY'S, NIGHT
They walk into the bar, which is quite a bit more crowded
than it was earlier.
MIX:
Paddy's it is, then.
DD:
I want a lemon drop, since I'm so fruity and all. Honey?
NORM:
I feel like a Cosmo.
They prance toward the bar.
MIX:
You'll come running back to me you whore, you always do!
They order drinks from the bartender ERIC,
looking around the bar while
they're waiting for them. DD spies a hottie entering the hallway the bar
empties into while Norm is taking his first drink.
DD:
Whoa. That was a tasty slice.
MIX:
What, where?
Mix sees her as she disappears into the ladies' room.
MIX:
That was nice.
NORM:
Fuck, I missed it.
MIX:
(picking up his own drink)
She'll be out in a few hours.
Their first drinks go down quickly.
MIX:
There she is.
Norm grips the wooden lip on the bar tightly and leans back
into the aisle behind the bar to get a look at the woman as she walks up and
out of the hallway. He leans forward again when he's satisfied.
NORM:
Very tasty.
DD:
Subtle, dude.
NORM:
Y'know, I've never gotten very far with subtlety.
MIX:
Have you ever been subtle?
NORM:
Probably not. But watch.
(shouts)
Another round, Eric!
At the other end of the bar, the bartender waves
in acknowledgment.
NORM:
See, the direct route.
DD:
And Eric just might get us drinks in less than an hour.
NORM:
I don't think he was talking about sports, so we should be
okay.
Quick montage of drinking.
DD:
Shit. Hey, Eric, who's cooking?
ERIC:
Ah, Jorge.
NORM:
Awesome!
DD:
I asked, I go first.
DD leaves to smoke pot in the kitchen.
NORM:
Cock smoker. Well, since he's gone. Hey, Eric,
two
Goldschlagers.
MIX:
Two? Why the fuck did you order two?
Eric puts two shots in front of Norm and Mix.
MIX:
Why do you hate me so much?
NORM:
If I hated you I'd have ordered Old Grandad 101.
MIX:
I love you too, man.
They drink the shots. DD returns a moment after, he's
coughing.
DD:
And now it's time to party. I need an AMF.
NORM:
This won't end well, I can already feel it coming.
DD:
Eric, do you have any of those big straws like they have at
McDonald s?
INT. PADDY'S, NIGHT
The trio, along with several Paddy's waitresses now off
shift, AMBER, STACY and ANGIE are sitting in or standing around a booth.
DD is asleep leaning against a window.
NORM:
(almost yelling, to Stacy)
No no no! Val Kilmer was born to play Doc Holliday! There's
no fucking way Dennis Quaid was better at it. You're fucking delusional
for saying anything of the sort.
ANGIE:
(to DD and Amber)
Their new album just isn't up to what their old stuff was.
MIX:
Bullshit.
AMBER:
I'm with Dee on this one. It's just as good as Recovering the
Satellites.
MIX:
I think it's a little better than that, but Desert Life is my
favorite.
STACY:
Val plays a better drunk than Dennis, I'll give you that-
NORM:
The Quaids are just too fucking nice to play Holliday.
Val Kilmer is just the right amount of asshole to pull it off.
DD suddenly sits upright.
DD
Oh, shit.
NORM & MIX:
Better move.
Stacy and Amber shuffle out of the booth, DD almost knocks
them over running out of the bar.
ANGIE:
What was that about?
MIX:
Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
NORM:
That whole movie was just a disaster. Slow, boring.
AMBER:
Is he going to be alright?
MIX:
He's tough, he'll be fine.
NORM:
Speaking of drunks, we need another round. Our turn, I think.
Norm digs money from a pocket and holds out his hand to Mix.
NORM:
Chip in, bitch.
Mix gives some money to Norm. Norm leaves the booth for the
bar, returning shortly with a tray full of pint and shot glasses.
MIX:
And Nancy doubts your skills. Look at you, all you need
is a short skirt and black sneakers and you'll be a shoo in for a truck stop
somewhere.
NORM:
Eat me. Move your arms.
Norm gently sets the tray down and everyone reaches for
glasses. DD reenters, very zombie like.
DD:
Ugh.
Stacy and Amber get up to let him back in. DD puts his
face back on the smudge he'd left on the glass and passes out again.
MIX:
Poor bastard. Let's do these.
Everyone except DD clinks shot glasses and downs them.
Winces and a few moans follow.
STACY:
I think it was a lot better than Tombstone.
MIX:
Amy Hit the Atmosphere and Mrs Potter's Lullaby.
Norm lights a cigarette.
NORM:
And you're drunk. Smoke?
STACY:
Thanks. Are you sure you've seen Wyatt Earp?
AMBER:
Angel of the Silences and Daylight Fading?
NORM:
Not really, but I know that Denn-
ANGIE:
Other than Angel of the Silences, there's not much to
Recovering. I don't think Daylight Fading is really a great song.
STACY:
You've never even seen it?
Norm lights Stacy's cigarette.
DD:
Hey, let me out.
MIX:
Again?
Stacy and Amber get up so DD can shuffle out of the bar again.
NORM:
Hi Mr Liquor Inspector.
STACY:
That's not even funny.
DD enters the bar jubilant.
DD:
Dude, you can't even tell that I puked out there.
Norm and Mix just shake their heads, the girls are shocked to
various degrees.
DD:
Come on, look!
DD grabs Amber by the arm and takes her outside.
ANGIE:
Oh my God.
STACY:
You guys sure know how to party.
MIX:
Wild On's going to go a whole special on me.
NORM:
Oh, you give me shit about MTV but you watch fucking Wild On.
DD and Amber enter.
DD:
Tell 'em. Tell 'em!
AMBER:
You couldn't see it.
DD:
I'm the man.
MIX:
Yeah, the man. Go back to sleep.
DD:
Good idea.
DD returns to his spot.
STACY:
That must have been, interesting.
AMBER:
I've seen worse. I've been doing this a long time.
NORM:
Did he crawl under a car?
AMBER:
Oh, he's done that before?
MIX:
Dee is a genius at stealth puking.
STACY:
Okay, I've had enough.
MIX:
C'mon it's only, shit, it's one. We better roll, dude.
Norm chugs his beer.
NORM:
Yeah. But I gotta go to my place.
MIX:
You're gonna ditch me with princess here?
NORM:
I gotta go home.